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Lost Time

Lost Time - Parker Williams Imagine an old-timey vintage Harlequin series of misunderstandings coupled with what can only be a traumatic brain injury, and you have the love story of Alex and Kurt. Our first person narrator, Alex, tells us that he and Kurt were friends from infancy. Gradually, junior high reveals to our hero that he doesn’t like girls “that way”.When Kurt was around, I didn’t need anyone else.At a beach party, Kurt tells Alex the truth he’s been needing to hear, and it’s the first of many times that someone is compelled to let him have it. “You’re such an idiot.” (1)Alex wants to know why Kurt would come and hang with Alex instead of all his many other friends, causing Kurt to arch an eyebrow and glare at me like I had just asked the stupidest question known to man. (2)Eventually Alex, the butthead, figures out that he loves Kurt. They double date at the prom with twin sisters who they ignore completely, and when Alex asks Kurt why he didn’t get a hotel room with placeholder-girl-1, he smacked me in the back of the head and told me not to ask such stupid questions. (3)Now, Alex, this genius, is going to become a Special Education TEACHER. He and Kurt go to separate universities and get so caught up in course work (not socializing, God forbid) that they gradually stop calling and texting each other every day. Apparently, Alex fills up his summers with course work too? And never goes home until he graduates? Anyway, one day, like magic, the genius graduates and gets a job teaching children with LEARNING DISABILITIES in his home town. Of course.You’re an idiot, you know that, right? (4).… I was left to ponder what he meant.Alex spies Kurt at the restaurant he owns, runs out like an adolescent, and goes home to cry himself to sleep. The next day they have an unbelievably irritating conversation, each accusing the other of cutting him out of his life, but poor, dumb Kurt still wants Alex, for reasons passing all sanity, and begins the ritual dance of I Will Suck Up to You and Shower You with Gifts Even Though You Are A Complete Unholy Nimrod. This culminates in a visit to Alex’s classroom, dressed in a gorilla costume, with love messages written on bananas. AND ALEX THINKS KURT IS MOCKING HIM FOR BEING GAY. Because that’s how you do that, the gay mocking---in a gorilla suit.I gave him a blank look. “You don’t get it, do you?” he asked sadly. (5)Finally, painfully, it dawns on Alex that Kurt still likes him that way, and they have a dinner date at Kurt’s restaurant, followed by a food fight, and then a period of dating that just… I can’t even. The stalkery love notes on the car windshield, the dedicated songs on the radio, the completely unnecessary (to anyone but Alex) “reveal” that their prom dates had been beards so the two of them could go to the prom together.“I don’t understand something—“ I began. “Only one thing?” Kurt chuckled. (6)And THEN, it keeps going! Invented sturm und drang because Alex is almost literally the stupidest person in the world. Dear reader, I had to give up at 80%. I admit it, I was beaten.